The Reason Why
by frenchfrylurva
Summary: Dreamland This is a take on what happens after Dreamland. Caitlin finally got her life back on track, but it just isn't the same without him there with her.
1. So Small

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. And i think Sarah Dessen kicks ass.

It's been two years since Cass left, two years since my parents begun to understand her, two years since Evergreen, two years since Rogerson. The past two years have been, peaceful, you could say. I kept a low profile in school, because by the time I was at Evergreen, everyone had heard about what happened. People drifted away from me, but it didn't matter. The only one I had and still have is Rina, whom I could count on everytime. Cass is still in New York with Adam, in fact, she's never been happier. She's no longer working on The Lament Whipper Show, the show ended its run after awhile and now, she's working behind the scenes on TRL. Her relationship with Mom and Dad have been very well for the past two years, in fact, they get along so well now that Adam's invited back for holidays. Cass always told me that she never regretted skipping out on Yale, the only thing she regretted was not being able to make Mom and Dad proud to have a Yale graduate coming from the family. Each time when she mentioned it, I believed that it was a hint that I should do what she never could have done. And I suppose she got it right when the Yale letter came for me one morning when I was in the kitchen with Dad and Mom ran in frantically, because of the Yale print on the envelope.

"Oh GOD! IT's HERE!", she dashed into the kitchen, flicking the envelope in her hands. I could recall the expression on their faces when I read out loud the word they have been anticipating. "Congratulations".

Later that evening, Mom threw a total last minute party, to celebrate her 'baby' going to Yale, to do something her sister didn't do. It may sound like she's dissapointed with Cass, but I know that somehow, Mom and Dad are proud of Cass for whatever she's doing right now, after all, which parent wouldnt be happy and proud of their own kid?

Every now and then, I do think about him, and what could have happened if it hadn't turned out the way it had. He would be here, happy for me for getting into Yale, even though he would not say it. He's a man of a few words and for Rogerson, action speaks louder than words. I tried to move on, when Rina started setting me up with half the guys she knew, but there were no sparks unfortunately. I told myself that I should stop holding out for him and start to get going with my life. Yet, each time I can't. Because they simply weren't Rogerson. They didn't have his smokey smell, his green eyes, his locks, his stare; everything. But when I found myself getting lost in the thoughts of him, I falter and they reminded me of the bruises and the pain he gave me instead. I get so confused that it's better if I hadn't even thought about him at all.

When the sun comes up in the morning, I'll be off to college, to Yale. My room is cleared out and is now filled with brown moving boxes instead which I'll be bringing with me. But the only box I'm leaving behind, is the sandbox, with photos of Rogerson, of us.. and the dream journal Cass left me when she went to New York. The thing is, I'm old enough to do this on my own. I don't need it anymore, _i don't need anyone. _I place the sandbox in the uppermost shelf of the closet, locking behind everything which held the past I never wanted to cling onto.

It's funny how excited parents can get on their kid's first day at school, no matter how old they are. When Cass first started school, mom woke up at 6 to get eveything ready and dad kept checking, making sure that the car was alright because he wanted to be the one to send her off for her first day with no interruption or whatsoever. When she started high school, mom bought her a new outfit and dad took a photo before she left to catch the bus. But when college came along, Cass left and I could see that mom and dad were upset, because the daughter they were excited about each time first day of school comes along walked away. And I guess thats why they're pouring it onto me, the supposed-Cass.

Mom woke up as early as before sunrise to get the boxes taped up and double checked everything. Dad, as usual, checked the car, making sure that it's fit to take me all the way to college. It feels weird, because I was never like Cass; I was never getting everything new on the first day of school, have never been paid attention to each time it came around. And now, I feel like I just stepped foot onto some Stepford Wife scene where everything seemed to be so perfect for once. Breakfast of scrambled eggs and bagels where laid out on the table for me, dad was already moving the boxes into the car when I came down the stairs.

"Morning honey! My baby girl, all ready for college!", mom dashed across the kitchen to give me a tight hug and a peck on my cheek. "Morning mom, wow breakfast", I said drowsily, because I hadn't had much sleep last night. The thought of leaving home to somewhere got me up the whole night.

"Yes, now I want you to finish this and then we are all set to go. Aren't you excited?", she exclaimed with enthusiasm.

I settled down in the chair, taking the first bite of eggs."Yea, sure"

Then Dad walked in the garage door, "There you are! Yale-y!" He placed a cheek on my head. "Morning Dad"

"The boxes are all ready and we're all good to go once you're set, Yale-y", he said. It became his nickname for me, Yale-y, that is, the day the letter arrived from Yale.

I finished up, and got into the car. Dad placed the last box in the boot of the car, while Mom got the engine ready. "This is it Caitlin."

_Yea,_ I thought to myself. _This is it. _Dad drove down the familiar road I grew up on, as I took a last look at home.

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	2. Of New People and Old Flames

One of the questions they asked me during my Yale interview 6 months ago was, "Where do you see yourself four years from now?".

I didn't give the perfect answer dad helped me practise the night before, because I couldnt recite it. The answer was supposed to go, "I see myself on the stage of prestigious Yale, retrieving my graduation scroll as one of the best". I couldn't bring myself to say it, it's funny that I could memorise it perfectly the night before and when I was sitting before the interviewers, I went speechless. And all I said was, "I don't even know if I could pull through the next 365 days, let alone four years". And I suppose that was good enough to kill the interview, the family's hope for Yale. That is why, when the big envelope came, I was shocked; surprised.

And here I am, 6 months later standing before the majestic pillars of Yale University, one of the Ivy Leagues; the one hope which Cass never fulfilled.

"Excuse me? Do you know where the orientation is?", someone pat on my shoulder from behind. I turned to the voice; she was carrying a backpack and holding an Evian at the same time.

"I'm sorry, I am new here too".

"Oh, hi, my name is June, June Reynolds", she held out her hand, and I shook it. "Caitlin, O'Koren, nice to meet you"

She sighed, with enthusiasm. "Thank God I met someone as friendly as you, because I've always thought that people here are antisocials".

"Likewise", I smiled. Yea, likewise. We're talking about the country's top 1500 smartest brainiacs here, it's scary. When you're stuck in a place with these people, sometimes, the only thing you need is another soul like yourself, to not feel lonely. And June is the other soul like myself.

At first glance, I see her as one of those athletic girls back in high school, who do not care about what people think and believe in nothing but themelves. June is one of those girls, but with a little bit more. She thinks alot, about everything and she's warrm enough for anyone to approach, if only you'd ask. She's not plain stone cold.

"So, what'll you be doing?", she asked, as we are leaving the orientation after one and a half hours of endless speeches. Then she continued,"I'll be doing architecture, yknw like one of those who constructed these beautiful pillars". She brushed her fingertips through one of the pillars we were passing.

"Journalism, I'll be doing Journalism", I said. We walked out of the hallway, into the courtyard where the welcome brunch was held. Every student and alumni of Yale was to attend the brunch, like a tradition. The grass on the courtyard was beautifully mowed, and the tables were set up in a graceful order, just as how you'd expect an Ivy League like Yale would do it. People were mingling with one another, lecturers were joining in the social circles. As orderly as the tables were set up, the cliques were as obvious as it could get. There are the Asians, the Jocks, the Rich Kids; and it suddenly felt all high school again.

"People, I'm not a people person", June sighed. She glanced around nervously, with her brows frowned.

I sighed. "Me neither". I spotted an empty table at the side of the courtyard, where it was less crowded, and hurried June along, before it was taken. We huddled through the crowd, squeezing ourselves in between people, getting our heads bumped, repeating "excuse me" all the way.

"Man, it was Sparta out there.", June fanned herself, due to the very humid weather.

"Hang on, I'll go get us drinks, be right back", I walked towards the direction where I first caught a glimpse of the beverages table earlier. There were only two sodas left by then, and it was enough for the both of us. I quickly grabbed hold of them.

"Whoa, are you sure you could finish them? A little too much don't you think?", a voice commented from behind.

He looked like one of the nerdy Yale students, with a knitted vest and a collared shirt. His hair was red and combed all the way back neatly. "Umm, no. One of it is for my friend".

"I know. Kidding. I'm Joe", he raised his right hand, with his forefinger and middle finger far apart from one another, and a blank look on his face.

"E.T. I know that one", I giggled.

"Not bad, a chick of good flicks", he looked impressed, nodding his head. We stood there for a moment, not saying anything to one another. "So what's yours?"

"My form of greeting?"- seriously, I was confused.

He laughed. "Your name"

"I'm Caitlin."

"Cool"- and we were both in awkward silence again. He looked like he needed to say something, while all I want is to go back to where June is.

Then, I started walking backwards, facing him. "I'll see you, I gotta go back to my friend now"

He started putting on the E.T. hand sign again. "Um, yea sure. See ya caitlin"

I pushed through the crowd, again, to get back to June. From afar, I could see that June wasn't alone. She was with someone whom I suppose she just met, maybe it was someone who was trying to hit on her, because after all, June is attractive. If she was in my school she would have beaten those cheerleaders flat for Prom Queen. The "someone"'s back was facing me, I was deciding if I should interrupt them or not. It's funny but I could feel myself being pulled into a sense of familiarity surrounding me.

June saw me, and she started waving. "Caitlin! Over here!"

I walked slowly, with the sodas in hand, when he turned back and I froze, with a familiar face staring back at me.

_Rogerson Biscoe. Fuck._

My life could not get any better than this.


	3. First Days

When I first got home from Evergreen, I once dreamt that I was falling into a pit of darkness, alone. No one could hear me because I knew I was screaming my lungs out, yet, the voice wouldn't come out, like one of those silent black and white movies of The Three Stooges. So there I was, falling, falling and falling, until I reached solid ground, but it didn't hurt. Then his voice called out to me, "Caitlin". I ran around, in the dark, searching for his voice and I couldn't find him.

I woke up crying.

Then it made me realise how much I needed him.

It took two years to move on with a cold heart with buried memories beneath it. Seeing him again triggered everything in me; it felt as if someone was digging from the core of my heart. It was bad. He stood there, in shock I suppose. He didn't show enthusiasm, remorse; nothing. He just stood there, while I walked over, handing over the sodas to June.

June excitingly introduced the both of us,"Rogerson, this is Caitlin, my first ever friend in Yale! Caitlin, Rogerson, my second friend in Yale!"

"Hi"- he said. Like we've never met before, like all the things we were before meant nothing.

"Hey"- that was all I could manage.

"Cait, Rogerson is a second year Law student", June explained,, while I tried to look away.

Then he turned to me, "What are you doing Caitlin?"

I hesitated before I could answer. So, June did the talking instead. "She's doing journalism". I took a sip of the soda, not saying anything.

"Oh"- he said.

That was how it went the entire time, we stood there with not a single word to each other. June did all the talking for me, and for herself. His every question directed to me was answered by her. It made things easier, I suppose, because I know that I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye and talk like nothing ever happened.

I couldn't sleep that night. A few times, I sat up and asked myself if I was still mad at him. By right, I should be. I searched for all the right reasons, and the wrong ones; any reason, just any at all, for me to get mad at him. But then again, he didn't mean any of the shit he put me through, _I know he didn't. _Yet, getting angry makes everything seemed sensible.

The next morning, Rina woke me up on the phone when Fergie's Glamorous went off- the ringtone she apparently owned on my cellphone. "Morning Rina", I said drowsily, while searching for the clock on the bedside table. "What time is it, 7?"

She blabbered onto the phone. "No, 7.45! Don't you have class? How's it over there?"

I ugh-ed on the phone, pulling myself up, "It's been alright, what about you"

"New York is fantastic, seriously you should come here, PLEASE COME HERE, because I don't think I can survive alone in such a big city", she gushed. When the offer letter came from The Tisch School of Arts, she called and yelled on the phone excitingly, because finally, her New York dream was going to come true.

"Well, you should come over to Yale, because your future investment banker is probably around here somewhere", I retorted, making fun of her ambition to marry an investment banker.

"Hmph, fine. Anyway I was just calling to see how you were, your last answer totally screamed 'fine'", she babbled.

I laughed at her sarcasm. Rina's always good when it comes to things like these. Then I remembered, "Rina.. I.."

She waited on the phone. "..You what?"

I was contemplating if I should tell her about Rogerson, but then I chose not to, because I know her too well, that she'd be on the first train to Conneticut and slap the hell out of him. "Nothing.. I'm late, I'll talk to you soon okay?"

"Oh well, okay. Love you!", she hung up, with no suspicions or whatsoever.

I just indirectly lied to my best friend, great. I've never lied to Rina about things, because she was always there to listen and she was always there for me when I needed someone; yet, each time, when it comes to Rogerson, I just.. lie. It was this way two years ago, and it's still the same now.

Brushing all the coulda, woulda and shoulda's' out of my head, I brought myself up and got ready for the first class, which happened to be Journalism Ethics. When I got down to the main hallway, everyone was already bustling around, brushing shoulders with one another. And trust me, the place was so big I had no idea where the class is. Then I found a map, pinned to the side on one of those boards where everyone leave notifications and messages for basically everyone.

"We meet again, Alien Girl", the guy, Jake, from yesterday slipped in next to me,when I wasn't paying attention. He had his bag threw over his shoulders and his hair, obviously, not combed, unlike yesterday.

"Morning. You're early", I greeted, then turned back to the map.

"Journalism Ethics, a tough one", he said, when he caught a glance of the stack of notes I was holding.

"I wouldn't know, it's actually my first class, in about..", twisting my wrist, so that I could check the time, "..five minutes"

"It's here, go straight down and turn left, its the first room on your left", he instructed through the map.

"Oh, thanks. Alot. I'll see you, Jake", I smiled and started running for my first class. It's never good to be late for your first day, let alone, first class.

"Bye Caitlin!", I could hear him yell across the hallway.

I ran in the direction which he told me to, and without knocking on the door, I dashed right into the room, and found a million pairs of eyes staring at me, probably thinking that I was this idiot or something. The lecturer, with thick glasses who was on the stage already, threw me a look which says, "Goodness".

Then he cleared his throat, "Name?"

"Umm, Caitlin O'Koren"

As I walked to an empty seat, people all around were whispering and giggling. Then the lecturer's voice came shooting out of nowhere, "The next time, knock, before you enter, Miss O'Koren, it's one of the ethics you should have picked up when you were 3".

That was an indirect slap on the face, but they say it's better not to make an enemy out of the man who's gonna grade you. I sank in my seat, ignoring all the glances shot at me as he went on with his lecture. How embarassing can a first day ever get.


	4. Clarity

Note: Sorry, i hvnt updated fr the loongest time!! Im so sorry. Anyway here you go! thanks for the support. )

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**CLARITY**

The Yale Library had a majestic entrance which kept me in awe for a moment, because I was simply impressed when I placed my hand on the handle, it reminded me of all those dreams I had to come to Yale, and here I am, touching the library's door. It may sound silly, but true. It's one of the huge castle doors, like the ones we see in The Apprentice. I know Cass would have loved it too. I spent the next three days sitting in the same spot after class at the library, catching up on all the work that needed to be paid attention to. It was fine, it was supposed to be fine, because I was slowly adapting to whatever I was supposed to do.

Then came the inevitable day, when Rogerson Biscoe sat himself opposite me. He said nothing, and me neither because I never thought that I had anything to say to him. I may sound like I'm running away from my past, but then again, it's the past that I am sure no one would want to have, not when you think you've understood a person so well that it breaks your heart into a million little pieces when he turned out to be someone else. Ignorantly, I got up and left.

"Caitlin! Wait!", he grabbed my arm and held me back. "Can we talk?"

I knew we would be having this moment one day, the day when we see each other again, the day we resolve our unresolved past which I buried deep down long time back."I'm sorry", I said. "I am busy". I hustled myself away, but his grip held me back so tight, that it reminded me of those beatings he used to give me.

"Caitlin, please, I want to talk to you", he requested, in a pleading tone.

I knew it was stupid, _Caitlin you're stupid, _ but I simply nodded.

He led me to the lake side, and broke the silence we kept on the way. "How- how are you?", he asked.

"I'm okay", that was all I could answer, because honestly, i WAS okay, until I had to see him again and I Don't know if I am still okay or not.

"That's good to hear", he replied. And we stood there, in silence for a moment with no sound but the birds chirping.

"Look, if this is all that you want to talk about, I don't think there's anything else", I shrugged and turned to leave, I knew I had to leave before he made me second guess myself. Rogerson was always good at that; he was a pro in making me doubt myself and decisions. He knew me too well to know what's playing in my mind. Just when I was about to go, his voice rung through my ears. "I'm sorry"

And my feet wouldn't move, because when he apologised, it reminded me of all the apologies he made in the past and none of them could make up for everything he put me through because each time he apologised, he tend to forget that he was sorry before. He moved closer, "For everything, I never stopped thinking about you Caitlin, not even for a day."

To be honest, I prepared myself for this day to come. I swore that if this were to happen, which it would, I will never ever ever give in to his words again. No matter how he apologises, no matter how sorry he was, it didn't matter anymore, because I was no longer the Caitlin O'Koren he used to know. "That was the past Rogerson, we've grown up, the past is not worth to be clung onto"

"Caitlin, I..", he went speechless. And I took the opportunity to seal the deal before he takes it any further. "Rogerson, we have to move on somehow. People move on, they don't fall back and hold on to whatever that's over". It's one of the things which I learnt from a friend at Evergreen; and as much as it hurts, it was a sensible teaching to live on.

Surprisingly, Rogerson didn't say anything; he simply stood there and looked away. Truth be told, I've never seen him this helpless. The Almighty Rogerson Biscoe, who used to be so confident, who could answer every single question about the world I've ever thrown at him, who could drive like he owned the road; I'm sure some of the characteristics still lived, but the Rogerson who used to be so aggresive just wasn't there.

"Goodbye Rogerson". I walked off, and for the first time ever, I left Rogerson standing there; just like how he left me in the dark.


	5. When It Was Me

Note: Here's another one! Enjoy! R&R.

**WHEN IT WAS ME**

I've had so many "What Ifs" in life that it became uncountable for me to keep track of. "What if Cassandra hadn't left?", "What if I hadn't met Rogerson?", "What if I had never gotten into Yale?", "What if I never survived Rogerson?". Too many, and it drives me crazy because eventually, I'll start second guessing myself all over again and lose the amount of confidence I built up over time. And lately I started thinking, "What if I forgave Rogerson that day by the lake?"

Each time that happened; I had to pull my waistband down to uncover the scar he left behind. It's etched so deep that every part of it screams his name. "Forgive" is such a heavy word that the burden it carries simply beat every other word in the world, even "Love". I did, try to forgive and move on; but the thought of Rogerson leaving a part of him behind only allowed me to move on, not forgive.

A week has passed since the confrontation; thankfully for me, I didn't bump into Rogerson under any awkward circumstances. Once every two days when I walked past the field, I'd see him with his friends at soccer. It seems like he finally got the message and carried on living his life like I never existed.

"Don't you think Rogerson Biscoe is hot?" We were at the dining halls one morning, and June decided to pop the question straightforwardly and I certainly didn't see it coming like that. I almost flinched and bit my tongue; and didn't reply. June sighed and continued, "It's kinda sad that he's already taken". She dropped her head to the table.

I knew it wasn't my business. And yet, I was still curious. "Taken?"

June lifted her head, and pointed to the girl with bright blonde hair and tanned skin a few tables away, along with Rogerson Biscoe."By that girl over there".June turned to me, and whispered, "I saw her all over him the other day". The girl has her long arms entangled with his, and he seemed to be fine with it. His tables, were all the typical rich kids you'd see in a high school; with their Gucci, Armani; and a couple of beer on the table no matter what meals they're having; and Rogerson.

Just when I was about to continue eating, someone placed their tray next to mine and as I looked up, Jake greeted with his forefinger and middlefinger apart, just like how he did on the first day."Alien Girl" He dropped himself into the seat next to mine spontaneously without me inviting.

I awkwardly introduced, as June looked at me, "Umm Hey. This is June. And June, this is Jake"

Jake quickly threw out his hand for a shake, "Hey nice meeting you" June delightedly shook it, with a puzzling enthusiasm sprawled all over her face. It was obvious to me; because June somehow reminded me of Rina in many ways and the expressions all just seemed too familiar. June and Jake, hit it off well as friends; every now and then, I notice that June would glance over at Rogerson's table and seeing June this way, reminded me of the old hopeful Caitlin O'Koren.

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

June dashed into our dormitory and squealed excitingly, "Oh my gosh. Cait, guess what? Rogerson asked me out!" June, as far as I know, is the only eccentric person I've ever met aside from Rina. And I literally stopped typing and looked up from my laptop, "Ro- Rogerson Biscoe asked you out?"

Then she started explaining the whole situation, "Isn't it fab? I was at the library, HE was there, and we started talking and it led to a date this weekend!"

This is what scares me. June's my friend and she, like me before, never knew what Rogerson's capable of. Even though he's presumably turned over a new leaf, it doesnt give guarantees just like that. "June, you don't even know that guy"

"Caitlin, every single relationship starts with a single random date". June was obviously so thrilled that she's starting to speak like one of the love experts on TV.

I countered, "But..you said he has a girlfriend"

"They've broken up", she shrugged.

"But..". I was desperately searching for the right words to put this, but I couldn't.

"Caitlin, I appreciate that you're trying to watch out for me; but, I know what I'm getting into here", she looked at me, and nodded. Then she picked herself up, with a smile on her face, "I'll talk to you later, I have to go pick out an outfit" Then June disappeared off to her room, with her door shut.  
I sat there, and I wasn't even in the mood to finish my paper anymore.

The next few days, June was even more excited about her upcoming date with Rogerson. She had planned out what to wear, and which shoes to match with the outfit and even which purse. Whenever we walked past the field where Rogerson was at soccer, she'd lingered around abit to catch up with him. This was me; back then. This was how excited I was about Rogerson Biscoe that it almost killed me.

"Earth to Caitlin??", Jake snapped me out of my thoughts when I was at the library. The whole June-Rogerson thing got me so engrossed that I haven't really been able to finish whatever work I have.

"Hey", I greeted. He plopped himself in the seat opposite of me, and cleared his throat, "Hey, Caitlin; would you like to grab a bite this weekend or something?" He looked at me, hopeful, and at the same time already prepared himself to cushion himself if it goes wrong.

I raised my brows, confused, "Are you asking me out?" I was never good at this.

"If that's how it sounded like". Jake shrugged.

I had to brush it off, with ease because I've never dated anyone in my life; anyone but Rogerson Biscoe. "Jake, I don't date"

He arched forward, determined to get a YES out of me. "What if it's just a casual, friendly thing? Like two friends hanging out elsewhere outside this school" One thing about Jake is his facial expressions and his actions sells him out easily. I was doubtful, I knew I was doubtful because I was pretty certain I had my doubtful face on. He persuaded, "Come on"

Then I caught a glimpse of Rogerson through the racks behind Jake. And it prompted me to nod, "Okay". And I knew there was no turning back. The truth is, I want to prove it to myself that I am capable of trusting other people; with Rogerson behind me. Jake gleefully confirmed, "Okay I'll umm call you"

He picked himself up and went back to his table, with a smile on his face.

And I sat there and pondered if I made the right choice and said the right "Okay".


	6. Past in Present

Note: Another update!! Sorry cuz it's pretty short; wrote this in merely half an hour and now I gotta continue doing my schoolwork. R&R! Thanks!

**PAST IN PRESENT**

One thing I've learnt is, you've got to let it rain before you see a rainbow. Now THAT, is what I call a life lesson. It's like suffering the hike up Mount Everest before we reach the highest peak in the world. Or studying our asses off our entire lives to acheive our dreams at the of the day. Or in my case, putting in effort and doing things I never thought I would to leave my past behind.

I thought about it for a moment; and then it hit me. I want to be as carefree as any other person on earth without having to dwell in something that's long gone. I want to be that particular free-spirited person who'd move on and graduate in four years time. That is why I said "Okay" to Jake. I'm drenching myself in a downpour, which I'm pretty sure will bring me the most beautiful rainbow I yet to see.

When Saturday came, I had my best plaid dress and casual skimmers on; Jake took us to one of the most famous pizza place in town, famous for New Haven's very own pizza; called the Modern Apizza. According to Jake, they make one of the best pizza he's ever had. We found ourselves seats by a glass window, opposite of each other.

"Do you know how the pronounce this word?", he pointed to the word, "Apizza", stained on the glass window. I stop to think for a moment, because I know that if it were that simple to be pronounced, he would not have asked. So I made a wild guess," A-Pit-Za?"

Jake shook his head, "That's what I thought when I first came here. It turns out that its pronounced as "ah-beets"." Confused, I look at the word again; and then realised that it was pronounced in an Italian way. And spontaneously, something inside made me decide to strike back, "Okay my turn. This is slightly geeky but which two planets are almost similar in size?"

He chuckled, "What?"

"Come on. Just make a guess", I persuaded. It never occured to me how that question came about. Then he shrugged, "Umm, I don't know, Mars and Mercury?" Jake cocked one of his eye brows and probably was praying for his answer to be correct. Triumphantly, I said, "Nope. It's Earth and Venus."  
And then I paused; of course, the question seemed all too familiar to me. If I were to ask Rogerson that question, he would have answered it in a split second with confidence; like he had back then.

"Caitlin?", Jake patted my arm and I snapped myself out of it. "Oh sorry", I smiled; determined to concentrate on the person in front of me, instead of the person in my mind.

Then Jake called out all of a sudden and waved at the direction of the main entrance, "June! Hey!". And I knew I was doomed; because the last thing I needed this very moment is to put the person in my mind in front of my face. June's voice rung through my ears, "Hey!" And before I knew it, she plopped herself in the seat next to mine, "Hey Cait!"

"Hey", I forced a smile on my face; which I hoped was not too fake. And of course, she wasn't alone. She was out with Rogerson Biscoe; who also sat himself next to Jake. Jake introduced himself, "Hey I'm Jake"

"Rogerson". His deep voice sent chills down my spine instantly as I refused to look in his direction. "Hey Caitlin"

And I simply replied, "Hey";

Then June elbowed my arm, and cleared her throat, "Are you guys out on a date?". And Rogerson immediately turned to look at me; I know because I could feel the gaze of his green eyes on me; giving me that same effect as they always have. Jake immediately answered, "Nope. It's a casual friendly thing. Right Cait?"

Blatantly, I went "Umm-hmm".

Jake then enthusiastically sat up straight and asked, "Oh wait. Let me ask you this. What are the planets which are almost similar in size?". The first thing which hit my mind was _Oh Shit. _

June shrugged, with her brows furrowed, "I don't know? Jupiter and Saturn?" Rogerson however remained calm and almost had a smirk on his face; each time when he was about to smirk or smile, creases and tiny dimples will lightly take shape beside both ends of his lips. It's one of the many things I realised and loved about him.

"Nope" Jake shook his head and turned to Rogerson, "What about you Rogerson?"

Rogerson did not instantly answer; like how a person would if they were to know the answer. Instead, he kept his cool and confidently replied, "Earth and Venus". Jake was taken aback and began to study him, "Man you're good". Rogerson took the compliment and said no more. When the orders came; everyone munched in; during the entire time, Jake and June began asking Rogerson questions about himself; questions which I already knew the answers to. And that was why I kept quiet the entire time.

People always say, "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade out of them". Everyone's supposed to make the best out of every bad situation. I know I'm supposed to. But unfortunately, it's not going to work this time. Not for me.


	7. Say A Lot

**Note: hey guys, sorry for the late update. thanks for the reviews, support and comments. will try to fix the necessary problems! heres another one! r&r!**

**SAY A LOT**

Lately my mind caught up with me; asking me questions which I don't have answers to. And I wondered, what am I doing in Yale? What am I doing in one of the Ivy Leagues and in one of the top five universities in the world? If I were still the Caitlin O'Koren I was two years ago, I would have been happy enough to finish high school and attend a local college instead. If I were still the Caitlin O'Koren from 24 months ago, I would never have to be second guess myself about the new people I meet in this new environment.

Sometimes I sit and ponder if the old Caitlin O' Koren would ever return.

Two weeks after the "date" with Jake which we happened to bump into Rogerson Biscoe and my friend, June, I did not see Rogerson around anymore. But that did not mean Rogerson is gone from my life for good, because June kept talking about him after their date. Each time when I look at June and her excitement over Rogerson, I saw the old Caitlin O'Koren I've been yearning to find.

"You know, it feels like an eon since we've gone out", June suddenly claimed from out of nowhere. I almost bit my tongue while chewing my buritos.

I sat up straight and turned to her, "I beg your pardon?"

"You know an eon? ", June looked at me, her eye brows raised. "It's a billion years"

"Oh", and I turned away before she catches me off guard. Of course I knew what an eon was; I was the one who asked him and I was there when he answered. To be honest, every single question which I've asked Rogerson would always come back to scream at my face to remind me of him. And it kills me to go through it.

June plopped herself next to me, "So what do you say we go out this weekend? You could bring Jake and I could bring Rogerson".

And I don't what got into me, I placed my burito down and took a deep breath because it feels like I was about to take a jump down Niagara Falls. " Look June, about Rogerson", I paused, searching for the right words to say, and June was looking at me attentively, "Rogerson, is not the right guy for you"

I knew that I already, probably FIGURATIVELY put a slap on her face because June's face instantly fell and instead of the cheerful June whom I've always been around with, her face showed anger and frustration. She immediately stood up, "Look Caitlin, I think I know who's right for me"

I picked myself up from the floor, so that it could be easier for me to explain, "June, I didn't mean it like that. But Rogerson is not who you think he is!"

"Are you jealous?"

That question most certainly caught me off guard, "Ex- excuse me?"

June snapped, "Well I pretty much figured that you're jealous. Just because Jake is not as funny or smart or charming like Rogerson doesn't mean you get to make Rogerson look bad to make yourself feel better!"

"That wasn't even what I was trying to tell you! And I'm not jealous, why would I BE?", the words came out of my mouth like bullets flying fast in a battlefield. Truth is, I don't have to be jealous of June because I've been there with Rogerson. I've been everywhere with Rogerson; to Dave and Corrina's, to his bed, to all those "transactions" of his. I was there, and I almost died because I was too blind to see what he was doing to me.

"I'm happy with Rogerson. And I don't need someone who's dating a goofball to tell me who or what is right for me". June stormed out of our dormitory and slammed the door behind her. At that moment, I literally wanted to scream my lungs out because falling for Rogerson is like a virus which will keep attacking you and the people around you until you're out of breath.

And because of this virus, June, the only other person out here whom I could confide in, and I will never be able to go back to the way we were before the conversation. I regretted bringing it up.


	8. Loose Ends

**NOTE: this is rogerson's pov. I figured that I needed to destroy the walls around rogerson lol. **

**LOOSE ENDS**

_If only she knew what she meant to me; she was not just a girl I hooked up or drove around with, she was more than that. She wasn't any random girl whom I met, she was everything to me. And if only she knew what she meant to me. Seeing Caitlin again opened up all my unresolved past and wounds. She was still Caitlin O'Koren, her hair,her eyes and her lips; except that she was wiser, tougher, and shelled._

_Truth is, I never meant to hurt her. If I were given a chance to go back and do everything again, I would have done it differently. If I were given a chance to meet her at the gas station again, I would. If I were given a chance to love her differently, I would. If I were given a chance to spend my life with her, I would. It sounds silly, because we're both so young and heck, what do I even know about spending my life with another person, especially a girl who's barely legal? But there's always something about Caitlin which makes my stomach churn. _

_After what happened two years ago, my father's tough ass lawyers got me out of jail and I learned to pick up the pieces from there. My relationship with my father got worse, but that does not stop me from doing well in life. Even when the lawsuit was publicised around my father's elite friends, I was not suprise to see the envelope from Yale. Because I know that Rogerson Biscoe Sr. would have done whatever it takes to save his son's future._

_Yet, nothing could make me forget her. Nothing, not even the girls I've been out with after her, in fact, I'll always find myself comparing them to her and that's what made it so hard to get my life going. To me, Caitlin triumphs over any other girl I've ever been with. The fact that I left her hanging in the dark kills me, because I never got to tell her how much she meant to me and how sorry I was._

_I loved Caitlin. And no matter how many times I'm being asked this question, the answer will still bethe same. _

_And now two years later, I'm being given a chance to redeem myself._

_Yet the question is, will she ever be able to give me another try again?_


	9. Cold Cold Heart

**Note: Here's another chapter up! **

**COLD COLD HEART**

The last time I saw Rogerson around was one month, two weeks and three days ago. And that was about the last time I ever had a proper conversation with

June. She never forgotten the things I said about Rogerson even if they hadn't sounded serious. And because of that one conversation, June and I drifted apart.

Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure Rina and I will never end up in this kind of situation simply because we've been there.

In fact, the only thing I'm looking forward to this very moment is the upcoming winter break, where I can just be the Caitlin at home. The weather has gotten colder the past few days and usually at this time of the year, mom would drag Cass and I along on a recipe hunting session for Christmas. It made me realise how much I missed the people I used to know; Mom, Dad, Cass, Rina, everyone.

I was out taking a long walk in the courtyard in the chilly weather. Even the sky above Yale is different from the one at home.

Then I saw him, walking in my direction. It was only natural that I should avoid him by all means. So spontaneously, I walked in the opposite direction back to wherever I came from. And my steps got faster and faster.

"Are you going to keep doing this?" his voice called out and I could feel him getting catching up with me.

I replied over my shoulders, and kept walking away. "If that's what it takes to NOT talk to you, yea"

"Whatever happened to the famous Christmas tagline, forgive and forget?" He kept up. And I was speechless. Rogerson always had a way with words; in fact, it's no wonder he's doing law, because Rogerson was born to speak and to lead.

And then my steps froze because there was something I needed to do. I turned to face him,"Do you really have feelings for June?"

This was the one clarification which I needed to make.

Rogerson frowned. "What?"

"June. Do you really like her?" And this time, Rogerson's expression changed. I immediately knew he saw right through me because he did that thing where his eyes will just relax and that only meant that he knew what was up.

His green eyes were almost smiling at me. "If talking about her makes you talk to me, yea. I do"

I sighed. "Rogerson, I'm not in for any joke"

"I'm not kidding either." A smirk was plastered on his face and he casually shrugged."What's not to like about June? She's adorable." Rogerson, like I said, always had a way with words. He knew which word would hit the right buttons.He knew which tone would get me on my nerves.

Instantly, my eyes rolled. "I doubt that 'adorable girls' were on your dating list" And I told him sternly, "Don't hurt her"

His shook his head and with a serious tone, he said, "I'm not that guy anymore Caitlin".

My voice went louder. "I don't care! If you don't like her then just stop messing with her! You have a long list of girls to date!" By that time, people who were around were already staring at our direction, wondering what was going on. Yet we were both too busy to worry about their attention. And Rogerson immediately yelled back at me, his green eyes beamed with frustration, "But there's only one I want!"

Staring into his frustrated pair of green eyes sent shudders down my spine. Those were the beaming green eyes of a guy who told me he loved me. And those were also the beaming green eyes of the same guy who broke me so bad. And now, that pair of beaming green eyes is slowly bringing back everything I ever wanted to leave behind. Knowing that there was never anything left to say, I turned on my heel and walked off.

He called out like before, "Caitlin!" And I kept walking.

But this time, he never came after me.


	10. Fragile

**FRAGILE**

I was supposed to be studying for my film studies test that night, two nights after that horrible bump-in with Rogerson and probably 50 days after I last spoke to June. I kept count to see how this Cold War would last and seeing that it's been more than a month, I highly doubt that the Cold War would end sooner than expected. It's not that I did not want to patch things up with June, it's whether she lets me or not. I tried talking about the weather, the weird guy in my Journalism Ethics lecture and I even tried talking about Jude Law, whom she's fond of, when my taste is more to Johnny Depp. Nothing seemed to work, and somehow, I gave up.

Then the door hurled open and slammed shut loudly, so strong that the ornaments hanging on the wall almost fell. June sat on her bed with her eyes looking extremely puffy, like she's just had a torrential tear session. Of course, if I were a good roommate, I'd ask her what's going on. However judging by how many failed attempts I went through the past 50 days showed what a bad roommate I was.

June broke the silence, her voice shaking. "He broke up with me"

And I instantly sat up, because I knew who the "he" she was referring to. Before I could start talking, she resumed. "And I don't know what went wrong"

_I went wrong. _I thought to myself. _I was what went wrong. _

Spontaneously I moved to sat next to her. "June, I'm so sorry". That was all I could say, because as much as I want her to be happy, this was best for her before anything happened.

June looked at me, tears welling up in her eyes. "I am sorry Caitlin, I stopped talking to you for Rogerson, when all you wanted to do was look out for me"

Sometimes, there's alot more than words that you could do to comfort a person. And part of me felt guilty, simply because she was crying for what I said to Rogerson. I've never seen June cried, and I certainly never seen her as a person who would fall and crumble. She was as fragile as the old Caitlin O'Koren.

That night, I had another dream. I saw myself, drowning in a bathtub. And the weird thing is, I was not fighting to stay alive.

Instead, I was fighting to let go.


	11. Better in Time

_**Note: Once again, lack of updates and I am truly sorry. Check this out, will try to update again! And thanks for the reviews! Please keep it coming, I want to know what you peeps think!**_

_**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**_

**BETTER IN TIME**

I have never been so thankful to go home in my life than on the day we were let off from uni. It was the thought of being away from this competitive Ivy League and the thought of being home with my family, the people I could trust, the thought of seeing Rina again with all her stories from the city and of course, the thought of Cass coming home for Christmas for the first time in two years. And at the end of the day, the only thing I was concerned about was June.

We never mentioned Rogerson nor his name ever since he called it off with her; she was back to normal but I know she was still hurting deep down inside. Everyone and anyone would, if you were being shut off without knowing the reason why. June left to the Hamptons to join her family the day before we all went home as I looked forward to twenty-four hours later when I would be in Dad's new land rover SUV which he told me he just bought on the phone just so that he could drive everyone in the car like a family. Everyone, including Adam.

The day came when I waited for Dad to come pick me up. The weather was getting chilly and everyone was already bustling out of the residence hall. "Bye Caitlin! Happy holidays!", Deena called out from her cab with her window rolled down. I waved back, as a kind gesture. And Dad was still nowehere in sight.

"Are you happy now?", Rogerson's voice came from behind and when I turned back, he was leanin against the huge door with a cigarette in his hand. It's one of the tiny things I noticed about Rogerson; the way he held his cigarette was different from any other people I've ever seen. He always had his cigarette tucked in between his middle and fourth finger.

"What do you want from me?", I asked. I knew what he meant. In fact, one of the other things I've always noticed about him was that he always had a knack with words. He always had the perfect opening line, with a couple of other follow-up lines which will drive you to guilt in a conversation. Maybe that's why he was going to become a lawyer, to put his skills to good use.

Slowly, he had his last puff and tossed the cigarette to the ground. With a step on it to kill the fume, he walked down the steps towards me. "You wanted me to stay away from June, I did". By the time he finished his sentence, he was only two inches away from me. I looked behind my shoulder to see if Dad was here, because if he were, he would have rammed his new SUV into Rogerson all the way.

"Are you suggesting that I should be grateful to you? Because I was protecting my friend from someone like you?", those words hit him hard as his face fell. Rogerson ran his hand across his face and I couldn't help but notice his eyebags. Yet, his eyes were still like how I remembered them to be.

He took a deep breath. "Caitlin, how many times do you want me to tell you? I am not that guy anymore. And all I want is to start over with you, even if it's as friends". His eyes sent a pang of guilt to my heart, and yes, like how I predicted, his follow-up lines always work.

"Look Rogerson, thank you for keeping away from my friend. And no, we can't go back. Ever", instantly I picked my bag up and was about to walk away when he grabbed my arm tightly, "Caitlin please!" His grip tightened as I was fighting his strength. His eyes were pleading and yet, his grip spoke otherwise.Then, another hand pushed his shoulder to the back, freeing my arm from his grip.

"Hey man, back off", it was Jake, with an annoyed expression which I've never seen he had on his face before. It's funny how Jake is always around whenever Rogerson was.

Rogerson looked at him, with a stern voice, "Look I don't care who you are but it's really none of your business". I thought Jake would just step aside because Rogerson was slightly bigger than he is and he sounded serious. Instead, Jake countered. "And I don't care who you are, but you should stay away from my friend"

Rogerson scoffed, and shook his head altogether. He turned to me, with a smile on his face. "Think it over, I meant what I said". He put his hands into his pocket and pulled out a tiny wrapped box. "Merry Christmas Caitlin"

Jake looked at me, like I am not supposed to take it. But when I looked up at Rogerson, I couldn't say no and slowly I took it from his hand. "Thank you. Happy holidays Rogerson". And with that, Rogerson turned on his heel and walked back into the building casually. Jake and I stood there, without a word. He cleared his throat, "Are you okay?"

I don't know if I were okay, Rogerson Biscoe is playing his cards right in an attempt to pull the unresolved history from deep down inside. And coincidentally, Dad arrived as he shouted from his car with a wide smile on his face."Caitlin!"

"Thanks for what happened. Happy holidays Jake", gleefully, I hustled to greet Dad whom by the time was out of the car to give me a big hug. In a way, I was glad that Dad came later, before he could see Rogerson. In a way, Dad would not be worried throughout my next four years in college if he does not know that Rogerson is around. In a way, it was a bid to save Rogerson from Dad's fists.

We drove home, and I never felt better than I have in the past 5 months.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**


	12. Skip A Beat

Note: heyyy it's been forever! i know, i've been really caught up with college and moving to a new country and everything. :) r&r!

**Skip A Beat**

Nothing can ever beat the smell and touch of my my freshly pressed clothes at home, for my mom does it different than any other person in the world. She has her secret technique which she refused to tell me, and which I figured out while spying behind the chair when I was 10. Of course, I carried on pretending not to know about her secret weapon. When I walked into my room, the smell of lavender was coming out from my own closet and it put a smile on my face. Coming back home from Yale exuded a sense of joy, secretly, inside of me.

"Guess whooo?", a hand covered my eyes from behind and it widen my smile. When I reached my hand up to touch it, the fingers were long and lanky, the hand was soft. Casually, I uttered, like how I have always uttered this name since the day I could pronounce it. "Cass".

She lifted her hand as I turned back at an instant and found my own sister shrieking. "OHMYGOD". Cass threw herself forward and gave me the tightest hug that got me all warm and almost into suffocation. I laughed, struggling to loosen her grip, "Cass, you're choking me!".

She let go in a hurry, apologising, "Oh, oh I'm so sorry!". And I got a better look at her. Cass was still Cass; her hair was the same, she was still taller than me, she did not gain any weight which I know will literally send her off the roof. She rambled on, "I missed you Cait, so much! And I have so much to tell you!"

When I was about to tell her how much I missed her too, a voice came from the door, "Knock knock?". A guy, who was very much taller than Cass, with raised brows and a kind smile stood at the door. I could tell it was Adam, the kind of guy that Cass would have fallen for with the broadcasting charm splattered across his face.

Cass' face lit up with a smile as she pulled me forward, closer, "Caitlin, I want you to officially meet Adam". And then she turned to Adam, "Adam, I want you to meet my lovable sister, Caitlin".

Adam raised his hand, a greeting gesture, "I've heard so much about you"

"Likewise". I could see how Adam makes Cass happy, in a way that is so magical that no words could depict. Cass' face lit up with Adam's presence in the room, and Adam's natural response to Cass' presence was to be near her.

Adam said, "So Caitlin, Yale huh? That's pretty ballsy"

"Well that's because my sister is a tough chick", Cass threw an arm across my shoulder and grip it tight. "And I want you to tell me all about it okay". I smiled, faintly. At that moment, my mind started picking out things that I should tell, and things that I shouldn't, for instance, Rogerson.

Just then, Mom called out from the dining room downstairs. "Kids, it's dinner time". Her voice rung through the house like a huge Christmas chime and easily, if anyone was here, they would have sensed mom's excitement for Christmas in a long while.

Cass rolled her eyes. "My gosh, mom's still referring to us as kids, can you believe that?". Adam let out a chuckle, and I could see how much he admires Cass as much as she does him.

"Come on, wouldn't wanna keep your mom waiting", he dragged Cass' arm, and Cass hung on to mine on the other side.

"You guys go ahead, I'll come down in five minutes"', I let go of Cass' arm and said. Cass shrugged, and hopped down the stairs with Adam.

I threw myself on the bed, with my face looking up at the ceiling, and my body pressed against my soft fluffy mattress.

And it felt good to be home.

But instead of being pampered with the feel-good feeling for the rest of the holidays like how I wanted, I was being thrown into the pithole, like the one I dreamed of.

I pulled myself up, unconsciously, and found my hands running into the side pocket of the bags I brought home from college. They paused still for a moment when the tips of my fingers reached a velvet box. I loved velvet and how good it feels whenever my fingers brush across the texture; he knew that.

Carefully, I pulled the box out and sat on the floor.

The box was wrapped in the darkest purple coloured velvet I've ever seen, beautifully wrapped infact. As my fingers danced around it, my heart contemplated with a heavy hesitation if I should open it, or heck, if I should have taken it in the first place. Taking the gift revealed my pokerface to Rogerson, who could read me like an open book. It basically screamed into his face that Rogerson Biscoe is somehow etched in Caitlin O'Koren's heart.

Then they moved to flip the velvet box open.

It was the most beautiful locket I've ever seen, with its silver body and the deeply shaped pattern on it. I flipped the locket over and found my name carved on it. My forefinger ran thorugh the alphabets, "C-A-I-T-L-I-N", one by one.

My heart skipped a beat.


End file.
